:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Life is so much better after having sex.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
