If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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