i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I touched a dick in church today
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
