I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
