I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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