Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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