This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
