I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
