if you like me you must not know who I am
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
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