mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
