Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
