I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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