I want to have your abortion
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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