I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
He's a Shit stain on my heart
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
