I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
It's never too late to be topless.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
