My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I just want to make out with him forever
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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