new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
