I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
