hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
