so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
