you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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