i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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