I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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