Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
