Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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