But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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