Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
