I will die if light touches me.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
