We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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