Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize