I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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