Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
