What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
