Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
im six kinds of drunk right now
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
