True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Women Are Tweeting Photos Of Their Underwear To Support Rape Victim Whose Thong Was Cited During Trial
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
21 ‘Don’t Say It’ Tweets That Are Gonna Get Said Every Damn Time
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
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