thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
