i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
