Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
