you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
