K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
