I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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