just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
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i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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