Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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