hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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