Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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