I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize
