Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
