dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Randomize
