you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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