My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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