When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
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