You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
