apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
