I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
