it's like iHOP with fire
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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