That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
