There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
